Texts from Last Night inspired text starters [nsfw and sfw]

[text]: I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
[text]: I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
[text]: We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
[text]: I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
[text]: two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
[text]: I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
[text]: Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
[text]: According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
[text]: You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
[text]: I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
[text]: What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
[text]: Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
[text]: YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
[text]: Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
[text]: I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
[text]: I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
[text]: You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
[text]: I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
[text]: I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
[text]: Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
[text]: A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
[text]: OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
[text]: Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
[text]: Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
[text]: I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
[text]: I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
[text]: Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
[text]: I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
[text]: Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
[text]: I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
[text]: When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
[text]: Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
[text]: i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
[text]: That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
[text]: I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
[text]: I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
[text]: Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
[text]: I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
[text]: Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
[text]: Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
[text]: I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
[text]: She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
[text]: We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
[text]: So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
[text]: That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
[text]: I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
[text]: Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
[text]: Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
[text]: I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
[text]: Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
[text]: I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
[text]: How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
[text]: Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
[text]: I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
[text]: You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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